It really stinks that people now assume that a car horn means "F-you!" I was driving today when someone cut across my lane and made me slam on my brakes to avoid hitting her. I honked the horn to let her know she needs to watch where she's driving, and lo and behold, the passenger turns and flips me the bird!

Now, taking into consideration the fact that if I were, say, drunk and slow to respond, I would have hit the passenger. Same for if my brakes failed or I just wasn't paying attention. I find it outrageous that the passenger would give me the finger for pretty much saving her life! I think she should have given her friend, the driver, the finger.

I honestly think that people in their cars need to CALM DOWN and really think about what's happening around them. I honked because it might give the driver a reminder to check next time before cutting across lanes, not to say, "F-You, [insert offensive term here]!" I was angry that I had to adjust my driving because she was stupid, but I wasn't honking out of anger.

...That being said, I really hope the passenger drives her own car into a tree.* Honk.

*Oh, calm down. A sapling, then. Geez.

A List/Literacy Post

Just for some fluff, here's a list of words I wish I could use without sounding like a wanker.

This kid isn't a wanker.

#1: Wanker
#2: Dude. I feel like I'm way too old to get away with it. I still use it, though. I'm a wanker.
#3: Citrouille (quite possibly the best sounding French word. Stupid English and their "pumpkin.")
#4: Bloke (so much better than "guy" or "dude")
#5: Sexy. It's just not sexy when I say it. It's more matter-of-fact.
#6: Smashing - definitely a wanker-word when used as an adjective. Look for it in my tweets this week!
#7: Torte (I could never tell someone I'm serving torte without laughing)
#8: Fuck (I say it when I'm really mad, but I sound like a wanker)
#9: Tuppence. It's just fun, but won't ever be in my daily vocabulary.
#10: Antidisestablishmentarianism. I could look up the meaning, but really I just like all the letters and the way it sounds.

*Shut-up about the formatting and continuity. I was at the zoo all day and I'm tired. Shh.

Not too Bloggy

Sorry I haven't been blogging lately. I haven't been feeling up to it. It's been sunny (and hot and rainy and weathery) out, I'm off work for the next 6 weeks, the baby has learned to climb the stairs, and I'm desperately trying to get some reading, I mean cleaning, done. You know how it is. I'll be back by the Fall!

Bye-Bye, Bratty!

Disclaimer: not all children are created equal, and these may not work for everyone. This is just a sample of what I have tried and what has worked.

Ever have one of those moments when your child, whom you love more than breath itself, is testing your boundaries, and you can hear in the back of your mind "Beat on the Brat" by the Ramones? Of course, we'd never take that advice, but it makes for good fantasy when your sweetheart suddenly turns into the That Kid.

My 4-year-old isn't really that bad, and, thank God, she's quite polite in public. However, she does have her moments. Here are some techniques that get us both through the attitude when my sweet girl turns into a Mean Girl:

1. Get Down. I get down to her level, and I look her in the eye. Heck, depending on her mood I'll get right in her face, Jillian Michaels style (minus the heinous banshee screaming). I find that I'm pretty hard to ignore if I'm sitting in her lap.
2. Get Low. I'm talking about volume. Like me, she seems immune to whining or yelling. So while we're nose-to-nose I'll speak in my "inside voice." If she's straining to hear me, then I can be assured that she's focused.
3. Get Serious. If you're going to make threats, be prepared to follow through, even at the expense of your own leisure. I like to show that I mean business and I'm not full of hot air. If I tell her that she better quit it or we're leaving, I mean it. Unfortunately that may mean you have to apologize for the inconvenience of planning an unsuccessful playdate. If you're a counter (i.e. "I'm going to count to three...") I suggest you do something, anything (within reason), once you get to three. Rolling your eyes and repeating yourself doesn't count.
4. Get Real. This is one I really strive for. It's all about making the punishment fit the crime. I try to figure out what is really causing the conflict. Is she refusing to leave the t.v. at bathtime? Turn it off. If she's having a fit at the store, as much as it's a pain, I'm willing pick up and go home, leaving the cart of groceries where it is. Yes, that sucks for me, but I haven't had to do it more than once.

My main point is to be honest about what your role is and how you want to be treated. Be a role model and show your child how to act (or react) when you're being disrespected. Show her you respect her enough to look out for her best interests and that's why you are sticking to your guns. And don't forget to remind her how much you love her.

Talk to that Bitch!

Have you ever been to a party and seen that woman with her nose in the air over her glass of wine, not talking to anyone? Me neither. Who really parties like that? Psh.

Let's start over. Do you remember that girl who would say hello but wouldn't bother with any further conversation? Remember how snooty she was, how she wouldn't give you the time of day, even though you know she noticed you because she looked right at you for a second? What a bitch.

Well, my friend, chances are the bitch is you. Yeah, I said it. I was the "snooty" girl, all through high school and even some later days. I would say hi to anyone, but conversation after that just didn't happen. It wasn't because I was a snob, it was because I was shy.

Shyness isn't all giggles and down-turned eyes. It is having your mind go blank after you shocked yourself that you even had the guts to say hello in the first place! It's making that eye-contact (bravo!) and freezing because you're sure you look like a loser and omigosh what can you possibly have in common with someone who is so comfortable with everyone?

It's taken years for me to be able to get over some of my shyness, and even now I struggle with it. I still force myself to say hello, and then make a comment on the weather. It's hard to talk to people! I'm sure I offended someone at some point with one of my comments and it ended badly, and that may be why I can't think of things to say right away. I stop talking right after I start so that I can "feel you out" (not that way, cowboy) and filter my words to be as docile as possible. I want to be your friend!

I'm not saying that all people who act this way are shy, nor that shy people can't be bitches. That's very possible. But there are some key personality differences between the snots and the timid.
If you say hello and her answer sounds like a good-bye, she's probably not looking for a connection of any kind. Shy people tend to look at you from the bottom up (since they're working up the courage to make eye-contact), while snots look at you from the top down. Watch out, though, because if she's working on the eye-contact thing, then she might look at your eyes then look down quickly. Big difference between that maneuvre and the once-over from a frigid witch.

Watch lips, too. If the bottom one fidgets or curls under her teeth, she's probably shy. If her top lip pulls back, probably not, especially if her neck pulls back at the same time (maybe check your breath if that happens). One easy way to tell that she's a snooty-poo is if you say hi and she walks away (duh). A shy person would freeze up. A snot might choose to turn, body first, and just leave.

Don't identify with any of this? Lucky you! You could do us shy-gals a favour and make it easier on us. If you're not afflicted with diffidence, then be the first to talk - we love that. Feel free to talk about yourself (you know you want to); we love that, too. Is there something you wish we'd discuss? Specifically ask about it. Don't think for a second that we are capable of holding our own in a conversation after just having met. In my experience, after meeting a person for the first time, my train of thought doesn't even leave the station. In short, be a blabbermouth for the first little bit, and we'll get along just fine!

Ah, girls, it's really a gift to be able to feel comfortable with strangers. Shyness isn't something that you have to live with forever, but it does take a lot of hard work to get over. It would be so much easier if society would just keep an open mind about new people, at least until they've really had a chance to engage a bit. So the next time you see someone with a chilly disposition, talk to that bitch! She may be one of the coolest people you meet.

Girl vs. Nature

For the first time since I moved into my house seven years ago, I planted flowers in the flower garden. There were plants in there from the previous owners (a huge pine tree that my husband chopped down two years ago, a hydrangea, some euonymus plants, and tulips), but I thought it needed more colour so I added pansies. Yay, me!

What happened next surprised me most of all... I was overwhelmed with the urge to increase my curb appeal. Me, the house-dweller, the nature-lover-from-afar (preferably indoors)!

So here it is... me vs. nature. I'm going to hike up my pants and try and see what I can do with this mess of a lawn! Whoa, Nelly - don't get all excited! Like most of my obsessions, this will either explode and then fizzle quickly, or it will happen gradually and you'll see the best results next year. It will likely be the latter, since I'm broke and can't afford to go crazy with the weed and feed.

Right now, my lawn's composed of mostly dandelion, clover, and some other little purple flowering plant, with a little bit of grass in between. I have no idea where to start. So I just mowed today. Mowed the gigantic dandelions. Yee-haw! I'm off to Google dandelion control.  I already know to try and pull them. Maybe if I aim for two or three plants a day? Any advice of the frugal variety?

Old School Girl in a New School World

Last week, my baby nearly choked. I actually had to pull her out of her high chair and administer baby-Heimlich in order to dislodge the Cheerio* that was blocking her airway.
As I told an acquaintance about the experience, the first question she asked me was, "Why didn't you post it on Facebook or Twitter?" I was confused. In my mind, having your child choke isn't something you just broadcast to anyone and everyone. It's horrific and something I'd sooner forget, actually. Why would I post it on Facebook? What kind of mother comforts her hysterical baby and then immediately heads to whatever medium is closest to report the incident to the Twitterverse?
How backward am I that I want to keep private things private? I constantly struggle not to rebel and cut off my Facebook account entirely, because I have principles that state that my Friends are people I talk to in person, or most impersonally via email. Why should I let just anyone who adds me to their list witness the most important events of my life (good or bad)?
So if I am averse to letting loose via social networking, why do I continue to tweet/blog/update my statuses? Because that's what the kids are doing nowadays, and I don't want to be out of touch. With two daughters growing up in a techno-savvy world, the last thing I need is for my youngsters to be able to pull the wool over my eyes for any reason. Responsible parenting dictates that I need to take an active interest in the things that my kids are (or will be) interested in, so I can be armed with information in any circumstance. Electronic social networking is one of the tools I use to keep my kids safe.
In addition to that reason, I keep up with these things because it's the easiest way to keep in touch with people. Impersonal? Yes. Convenient? Heck yeah. I'll be the first to admit it's awesome to be able to know what's going on via personal play-by-plays, and connections are so much more to-the-point. I repeat myself less if I just post it on the Web.
All in all, I'm happy I didn't post my baby's traumatic experience. But, using my favourite privacy settings, I might loosen up a little bit in the future. Besides, I have to admit that I'm in touch with some of the coolest people I know and almost-really-know online, and those connections are worth the effort it takes to summarize my life in 140 characters or less.

*Despite the hole in the middle, a Cheerio can still choke a child. I didn't think it could, either!